I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
