considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
