i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
