I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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