So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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