She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
