It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
