He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
