i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
