When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just high enough for therapy.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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