Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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