from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
