Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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