I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
