I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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