If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
