After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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