I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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