what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize