This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
