i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Two words: nipple clamps
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