i can't believe i had my finger in that
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
someone owes me an orgasm
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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