remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
