you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
