So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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