Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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