jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
