For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
