4 words: hood of his car
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
