Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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