I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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