i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
