Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
