I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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