I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
