If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i love accidental penises.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
