Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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