So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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