Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
