This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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