we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
