Apparently you make a good broom.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
