Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
