i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
the liver wants what the liver wants
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
