i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
