Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
