College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I have post one night stand depression
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize