A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
