My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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