i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
