his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
