I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
