Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
