Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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