My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
