Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It's shark week go big or go home
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
