...so i touched it.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
