I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
