Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
