I got chris browned last night
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
