I'm lost and stupid without you.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
